I've always loved to cook for others. It's one of the ways I show my love. Every step of the process is a gift--spending time planning, shopping for ingredients, preparing the meal. And then you get to dine together. Once my life status changed from full-time parent to empty-nester I began to appreciate the joy of cooking for myself. One of my favorite things to cook for myself is soup.

A nourishing and hearty bowl of love. My husband likes to try my concoctions but soup is not a meal for him. So I can be a bit selfish with this dish. The only person I really want to please is me. Some weeks I'll eat soup every single day of the week. Reminding myself as the days go by how good it feels to take care of myself. Last fall I made pot after pot of Portuguese Kale and Sausage Soup. Using the kale from my vegetable garden made the soup even better. Mmmmm!

I have a dear friend who hosts a soup and bread night once a week for hungry college students. Not only is she being creative; it's her way to serve. She's a gifted, intuitive cook who makes up all kinds of fantastic soups from whatever ingredients are on hand. When I marvel at her creativity she laughs and points out that you can make anything taste great with enough olive oil!

Would you like to make soup with your kids? I recommend " Blue Moon Soup." It's a really fun cookbook for kids filled with tasty recipes and charming illustrations. Included are soups for every season. I discovered the book a few years ago but a recent trip to the website revealed online recipes and even plans to launch a kids cooking show.

If getting really creative is your thing I love "A New Way to Cook" by Sally Schneider. The "new" refers to healthy, lower fat preparations for classic cooking techniques. I've been using this cookbook regularly for the past six months and have been really pleased with the results. The author gives you some basic guidelines and then suggests variations to make each dish your own. This book is chock full of delicious and healthy ideas and the soup section is fantastic! It inspired me to make my own rich stock from roasted bones and vegetables.

Soup can be pretty simple too. All you need are some veggies you like, canned broth, rice or pasta and a protein. It's such a good feeling to know you're making something nourishing and the cooking aromas are divine! Now it's time to reach for my well worn copy of "The Vegetarian Epicure" by Anna Thomas and make a pot of Pea Soup with Butter Dumplings. What a great way to celebrate Spring!

I woke up this morning qestioning my coping strategies. I know that they work beautifully for me when I'm functioning as an individual. There's another dimension to stress when you add a partner. How can I develop effective strategies to handle relationship stress? In challenging times I want to put more focus on asking for help.

We've been working hard these past few weeks. There have been rehearsals nearly every night. We've worked on the weekends. And more rehearsals for me during the day. My husband is up before the crack of dawn every day to teach school. It's been tough to talk and to connect. And even tougher to reach out.

I'm managing my stress during the day yet when evening comes around it feels familiar to retreat into my separate self. Hiding in my tortoise shell I feel lonely and alone. Despite my list of coping strategies and my best intentions somehow fear clouds my thinking.

This is exactly the time I could ask for help and receive much needed support. And I can do that if I plan ahead. I'll set an intention to make a request and trust that my needs will be met. Some gently whispered words of encouragement are what I need most. After a long day and an even longer night, when he's trudging up the stairs to fall into bed, I'll ask for help.

The third Coping Strategy is "Getting Outside". I did my morning journaling outside on the deck today. It was the first time since last fall.  Glorious!  I spent the late afternoon yesterday sweeping away the dead leaves and the aspen tree caterpillars. Spring cleaning outside. Clearing the withered foliage makes space for new growth.


All the outdoor tasks help to soothe my aching heart.  I just passed the one month anniversary of my mother's passing.  Now that a month has gone by I feel the loss more deeply. I measure time by reliving every moment I experienced a month ago.  As if recalling will somehow reconfigure the past. I long for the numbing effect that comes with startling news.

Getting outside helps a little if I let it. It allows me to feel in a gentle way. Sitting outside listening to the birds and bugs, I attune to all the life buzzing around me. Walking my dogs, I view the world through curious noses and happy tails.  Turning the loose soil in the vegetable beds, I anticipate a fruitful summer. The rhythms of life bring me back to the now.  And I find my heart's ease in the beauty of the earth.

Diversion. Distraction. As a new mother I learned to say "jump up," when my toddler fell. Now more than two decades later, I'm telling myself that the fall didn't hurt so much. I'm really ok. I just need to brush the dirt off my knees, get a quick hug and keep on going. This isn't about ignoring real pain--it's shifting my attention towards higher ground.

When I hit a real rough patch, nothing says Taking Care like calling my VIGs--my Very Important Girlfriends. Even though inertia may be working against me. Even though the last thing I want to do is get dressed and leave the house. Even though I think I'd rather sink into my sorrow. If I pick up the phone and call on my VIGs, I can instantly create the most pleasant diversion.

Creating something to look forward to is the key. Last week during one of those really rough patches I sent some emails and made some calls in spite of a deep, dark funk. They all said to call if I needed them; and I needed them. Of course, because they're my darling VIGs, they all said yes. We had lunch. We went to the movies. In one instance a VIG and her baby even showed up on my doorstep! And let me just say that nothing takes away the blues like holding a baby.

I also tried a new Taking Care strategy last week--the art of distraction. Before the girlfriend dates were set, I noticed that crying more than a couple of times a day made me label the whole day as bad. What if I made a list of all the good things I do for myself every day? A Taking Care list. Even if the list had only one thing on it I figured I was ahead. Did you get out of bed? And eat breakfast? Write it down. Did you take your vitamins? Write that down too.  Did you walk the dogs? You get the idea.

By the end of the week I had seven slips of paper that proved I could get through a moment... and then an hour... and even another day. I surprised myself by how many good things I could do for myself in a day. A distraction. Now all the days feel like good days with some crying thrown in. Maybe even a lot of crying. It doesn't matter now. Because I've shifted my focus towards Taking Care of me.

Start the day with a good breakfast. Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. And get a good night's sleep. For those of you who haven't clicked away from this page--just kidding. We already know about taking care in those basic ways. We figure out what works. We do what we think is important and filter the rest of the advice. I'd like to suggest a way to take care of yourself that involves something a little more subtle--the power of word choice.

In my original Coping Strategies post I briefly mentioned the difference between saying I need to or should do something and saying I want to do it. If everything on your task list is a should message or a have-to then nothing really feels like a choice. Yes, I know that I should get up early to get some chores done before I leave. If I say instead, that I want to get up to get a good start on the day then I've easily made a positive impact on my life. I allow myself to make positive choices.

The most powerful example of language was explained to me by a counselor several years ago. It has to do with the way we talk about our feelings. I have feelings yet I am not my feelings. I may feel sad. And sometimes I feel angry. But those feelings are not me. I retrained myself to avoid saying, "I am angry, or I am lonely." It's all in the power of the statement "I am."

Positive feelings are the ones I want to embody. So for those ideas I use "I am" statements. Yes, I am happy and I am courageous and maybe I am a bit sassy from time to time. I Take Care of myself by taking charge of the language that defines me.  It's all in the power of the words I choose.

Only a few minutes after I last posted I realized that my three fears came under the heading of "fear of losing control." Time has passed. No one but me seems to remember that my mom is gone. The night before her funeral service my dear childhood friend eased my terror. "What are you afraid of.....losing it?" Yes, that's it. "Don't worry," she said, "everyone expects you to lose it." Oh yeah, of course it's ok. Well, a month later, I felt afraid again. Until I remembered that it's ok to loosen my grip on control. I don't need that fear any more. And with that realization, the pain in my gut was gone.

It seems that the key to Being Gentle is "being." I felt the need to stick to my schedule. To keep going. Now I remind myself that I'm a human being instead of a human doing. For me gentleness can be expressed by calling friends for support, asking orchestra and studio parents for help and simply letting go of the extra tasks. All I have to do is remind folks that I need them.

I've also spent time the past few of days calling friends for advice. Mostly, they remind me to allow lots of time to heal. They helped put in perspective what things can be delegated, reassigned or even put on the shelf. One friend  said, "Now is not the time to excel." Another shared these wise words: "Consider that by simply acknowledging the storm inside, you are being gentle with yourself. Being gentle doesn't have to mean being soft and delicate, it can mean simply understanding and accepting where you are at this moment, and recognizing that where you are is where you need to be."

These days my comfort music, Miles Davis' Kind of Blue is playing over and over and over. The first track is rainy, melancholy and seems to understand my sorrows, and the title "So What" sums it up for me. What about you? What works when you feel low? Have you thought about ways you can be more gentle with yourself? How can you Be Gentle when times are tough?

I had planned to write about Being Gentle today. It hasn't felt like a gentle day. The harder I try to put together cohesive thoughts, the more fragmented I feel. Shattered.

Grief punched me in the stomach in the middle of the night. It's been in knots ever since. Subconsciously I pushed the heartache down into my belly to avoid the pain. I know the vice grip I feel is really me trying to hold the lid on my feelings. My mind is saying I don't have time for this now. And my body is saying oh yes, you do.

So how do I follow my own advice? How can I Be Gentle when there's a raging storm inside me? How can I cope when I need to keep going? I've tried all kinds of things today--my entire list of Coping Strategies--except Be Gentle. Today I just can't figure out how to Be Gentle and that's the one I need the most.

Logically, I know it would help to let go.  Years ago I went to a book signing by the inspirational writer, SARK.  She had us write our worst fear on a piece of paper, fold it up and hand it to the person next to us. Then we all said, "will you throw this away for me? I don't need it anymore."  It was a simple, yet powerful demonstration of letti

What am I holding onto? What's keeping me from processing my grief? The fear that I'll cry at the performance tonight? The fear that I won't be prepared for rehearsal tomorrow? The fear that I won't be ready for the youth orchestra concert this weekend? Many questions; many fears.  I need your help. With these keystrokes, I'm putting my fears down on a piece of paper.  Will you throw this away for me? I don't need it anymore.

How do you cope with life's ups and downs? It can be a tremendous challenge to stay on track when you feel low. Through several years of trial and error I've developed my own personal tool kit of strategies. Coping strategies come into play for me when an entire month is over-scheduled or when I'm hurting from disappointment or loss. Wouldn't it be great if we could teach our kids some tools to help deal with the tough times they'll face now and as adults?


Here is my basic set of tools:
Be Gentle
Take Care of Myself
Get Outside
Ask for Help
Be Creative

Be Gentle. This is number one on my list because it's the toughest for me to remember. When you live by the calendar and the schedule and the clock it's easy to push yourself too hard. And that's precisely why we need extra special self-care. For me this can mean anything from closing my eyes and taking deep breaths to taking the time to sit down and eat slowly. In the smallest way I try to slow my pace. In addition I focus on the voice inside my head and switch my internal soundtrack to a more forgiving channel.

Take Care of Myself.  A recent addition to my tool box is separating my "want to do" list from my "should" list. This category also includes a few details that assure life is running smoothly in spite of any outside chaos. I regularly stock up on healthy foods so I have good choices available at home, in my handbag and in the car. Often I'll make a big pot of stew that I may end up eating all week. And I make sure I have a couple of fool-proof outfits in flattering colors clean and ready to go. That way I know I'll look better than I might feel.

Get Outside.  There's nothing like taking a walk to keep me quite literally grounded. I may not always have enough time to work out or I may not even feel like exercising--but I can usually find the time to take a short walk or sit on the deck.Being outside helps show us where we fit in the world. While walking I can look down and see the tiniest beetle; then look up and see the expansive mountains--and know that all is well in the universe.

Ask for Help.  This one has also been hard for me to learn. I started small--my journal is full of little prayers asking,"may I have help with that?" What assures me is I always receive an answer. After loads of practice asking God, now I reach out to people too.

Be Creative.  Stress and loss and pain feel destructive. When I direct that negative energy towards creating I gain a positive outlet. For me, creativity can be small like placing wildflowers in a vase or bigger, like making a shrine of mementos and photos. One way I multi-task my coping strategies is to make soup--I'm creating and taking care of myself at the same time.