My hope is by writing this down I can rework some old and outdated wiring inside me. I've been thinking about my reluctance to embrace all of my emotions. When my son called yesterday and asked how I felt the words got stuck in my throat. Even though I know that it really is all right to feel sad or angry, a lot of times I feel afraid to say it. My sense of appropriateness (a word that usually makes me cringe) thinks it might be too much information. As if I'd prefer to present the dressed up, made up, cleaned up, polite and pretty version of myself. The Barbie version. The problem is--she's hollow inside.

Me? I feel full of conflict. What's so wrong with mad and sad? Is this a uniquely female way to deal with the darker side of emotion? Or something I learned a long, long time ago? I tend to gloss over angry or sad emotions with juvenile language--"I feel icky." Or skirt around my feelings, "I feel not so good," or "I feel ok." It seems easier to answer in a cheerful yet robotic voice, "I'm fine. How are you?" Or even worse, sit in silence with a painful lump in my throat.

But then I might miss out. I might miss having a real conversation with a friend. I might miss the closeness that comes from being genuine with my mate. And I would miss sharing honesty with my sons in the face of heartache. I owe it to myself to be truthful with the ones that matter most to me.

What if I trusted that the folks I love want to know the real me? What if expressing emotions came with a request for help? "May I have a hug? I feel so sad today." Or, "I need to vent because I feel so angry." That might make it easier for me to talk. And easier for others to listen.

"Feel and deal." I see this handwritten message on my friend's fridge every time I visit. It's catchy. Even though it sounds simple; it's certainly not easy. The reality seems messy and difficult. That's the challenge--accepting reality. Accepting the day no matter what it brings.